The Feminine Urge to Shave Off My Hair – an Ode to Change
I want to cut my hair. And as soon as I've cut it, I want it long. I want to be blonde. And as soon as I am blonde, I want to be brunette.
Whatever change of life I might be going through, it usually comes with a change in appearance. The urge overcomes me as well if things stay consistent for too long. There is a voice whispering in my ear that the current state is boring and that there is a need to change. Tattoo parlours are my happy place, and I've learned to do my own nails so I can do them every week.
It can be a temporary change. Tracing my lips with the fiery red of the female rage inside of me. Or inking a permanent reminder into my skin that everything is temporary and will eventually pass – tutto passa.
It has become a meme on social media that the first thing a woman does after a breakup is to book a hair appointment. We see TikToks of women saying "he liked me blonde so I'm dyeing it brunette." Thousands of comments from women saying "We've all been there, girl!", while tagging their friends. Recognising themselves. We see it in movies, too. The classic makeover montage. Scissors snapping. The main character coming out of a changing room in a million different styles. Overexaggerated, dancing, posing. Their best friend crying from laughter. The final reveal in the mirror which signalises a change not only in appearance but in their mindset as well. We see it in celebrities. Princess Diana's iconic "revenge" dress, which she wore on the same night her husband publicly admitted to an affair, has outlived the scandal itself and has become shorthand for a particular kind of quiet, stylish defiance. It seems to be a universal experience. The feminine urge to change. To feel back in control in a world that has robbed us of it over centuries. In a world where we've been told that our core value is our beauty – and simultaneously defining the beauty standards for us – change is an act of rebellion. Straying from the norm that others (men) have defined for us, the most rebellious thing we can do is change. Not because the new look defies the beauty standard itself, but because the choice to change is ours alone.
We cut bangs. We go shopping. We try to give ourselves a "makeover." We "glow up." It's the inner glow of relieving ourselves of something that had mentally (and physically) drained us.
I recognise this pattern most clearly in my own life. It started long before I had the words for it. Growing up, like most kids I enjoyed dressing up. I had a big old suitcase, inherited from some great-granduncle, filled to the brim with anything that could help me imagine a different reality: a pirate costume, a cowboy hat, a princess dress. Hitting puberty, the longing for a change in appearance grew stronger. I started by dyeing my hair. First green, then blue, then burgundy, and back to blue. During the pandemic, I cut off 20 cm with crafting scissors and bleached the rest with drugstore box dye. From ages 16 to 20, I had almost every hair colour imaginable. My struggle with feeling out of control by being in lockdown had bled through the confines of my head and onto my outside. I was still in school and had a job on weekends. A colleague once told me that she could never predict what colour my hair would be the next week.
Every change inside of me or in my environment has always immediately transpired into how I look. I don't know if this urge will ever fully quiet down or if it just changes shape as I do — fewer bleach baths and crafting scissors now, maybe, but the same voice, still whispering that something inside has shifted and my reflection owes it to catch up.
WRITTEN BY
Philine
I love expressing myself through writing. But also through fashion and art. My body is a museum for all the cool tattoo artists I've come across. As a booklover and helpless (hopeful) romantic I love to indulge in the sweeter stories of life. Writing is my way of empowering women and fighting the patriarchy. I also want to bring the joy and community of female friendships to everyone through my texts. Your online bestie if you will, that shares the best books, crafts and maybe a recipe from time to time.
